Round and Round We Go
by kerumica
Summary: Pushed away after confessing his feelings, Goku feels it’s time to move on.


**Title**: Round and Round We Go

**Author**: kerumica

**Fandom**: Saiyuki

**Character(s)/Pairing**: Sanzo, Goku, (hinted at) Gojyo/Hakkai

**Warning/Rating:** pg

**Beta**: None

**Disclaimer**: Saiyuki is property of Minekura Kazuya. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit being made.

**A/N:** The 'unrequited love' challenge at contrelamontre (LJ community)

**Summary**: Pushed away after confessing his feelings, Goku feels it's time to move on.

He knew it was silly, really. Silly to think that Sanzo would have taken him seriously. Silly to think that his pathetic, little gestures at showing him how he felt would work. It didn't, not even after all these years. Childish things rarely had an effect on the monk. He often wondered who it had been that had captured the monk's heart. Gojyo, or maybe Hakkai? Or maybe a traveling monk that had visited the temple before they left on their mission from the gods? There had to be someone, he just didn't know who it was.

He seemed to recall overhearing Gojyo and Hakkai talking about this mystery man. Someone that Sanzo had fallen in love with so long ago. Back then it wasn't reciprocated, that was what Hakkai had said. Goku, however, couldn't help but feel that it was one of his fellow ikkou. Maybe it was Hakkai. They did spend an awful amount of time together talking. Of course, it could always be Gojyo. He may have annoyed the hell out of Sanzo, but they were too much alike to actually kill one another. Or maybe, just maybe, they were in a love triangle. Maybe the other two only had feelings for each other and Sanzo was just taking what he could get.

Gods, why couldn't Sanzo see that he had grown up, had matured. He was old enough to know what it was like to love someone unconditionally and never expect anything in return. It's what he was doing now, wasn't it? He was in love with a man who had told him so long ago, under no uncertain terms, that they would never be. He had remembered that particular conversation had taken place right before the start of their journey five years ago. That was then though. They had all grown older, wiser. He had thought to try again, see if he could persuade Sanzo that he was old enough, but he knew it was a losing battle. Which was why, after they had made their way back to Chang'An, Goku had left the following week. He didn't even bother saying goodbye, just left a note telling them not to worry.

Sanzo re-read the note again. He had crumpled and straightened and crumpled the plain piece of paper so many times that the wording was starting to smear. It didn't matter since he had memorized its contents hours earlier. Goku had left him. He wasn't sure if or when he was coming back. He needed to find his place and it wasn't here. 'No,' Sanzo thought, 'it wasn't with him.' He knew that he had pushed the monkey too far. No second chances. No time to re-do a horrible mistake that he had made five years ago. No, he had admitted shortly thereafter that he had not only lied to Goku, but himself as well. Hakkai had been supportive of his decision while Gojyo had needled him incessantly to just confess his true feelings, but they had the journey to go on, fighting every demon that tried to claim the sutra and they had the journey back, fighting every demon trying to take revenge and/or the sutras. He had honestly thought he had time, not realizing that Goku was a strong young man and that not even he could wait forever. So, Sanzo did the only thing he could do. He sat down at his desk and opened up his journal, one he started shortly before returning to Chang'An. Maybe, one day, if his little monkey ever returned, he could show him this and let him know how he truly felt.

Goku re-read the letter again. Sanzo had passed away in his sleep. Apparently, after all the years of hard living, his body couldn't take anymore abuse. Goku had been grateful that he had gone so peacefully. He looked down at the journal. Sanzo had left explicit instructions that it be given to him upon his death. In all the time that he had known Sanzo, he had never known him to keep a diary.

"Are you going to read it?" a male voice asked.

"No. Not right now. Maybe later," Goku replied, taking the journal and the other items that had been sent and placed them back in their box and in the closet. "Right now I'm starving and a certain someone agreed to cook dinner."

"All right, all right, but you're helping."

"Wouldn't have it any other way, love."


End file.
